Sex! the Podcast : Episode 12 : Sex and Divorce Part 2

In this episode, we get to sit down and finish our chat about sex and divorce. Consent is key, being comfortable, and communicating with your current partner. It can be hard to be back in the game but following a few tips can get you back on track for some great sex!

If you enjoyed this podcast, please rate and review the podcast on iTunes or Google Play

 

If you struggle with shame about your body, your sexuality, or need to process your personal life, I offer 1-on-1 Therapy. Click the button to the right for more info.

 

Transcript: 

Erika: Hey everybody. This is sex. The podcast and I'm Erica Miley. So this is part two of my two part series about sex after divorce or the end of a long term relationship. So this episode is hutches a little bit back on what we talked about in part one.

Erika: So if you feel the need to get part one gone back and listen to part one before you get the part. Miss episode focuses more on what you need to get more in touch with your body. Do you have a sex toy. Do Not Use lubricant. So here comes the episode I will see you yet

Erika: Very very quick to get it right around with a side. It's the lead characters like you play very very quick on Google. Radio talk very quick as a member of the

Erika: Welcome to Part Two about sex and divorced. I am excited that you're back listening to yet another so and so I one and go right in to these questions I'll kind of remind you of what we were talking about last time we were together. I was asking you questions about how. You get in touch with yourself sexually thing after divorce or a long term relationship. And let me just remind you. So what the first five with the bonus were. So figuring out who you are outside of our relationship. Number two do you connect with your body and your body yours. Number three how do you feel love and how do others communicate that to you. Can you verbalize or vocalize your own personal value. Number five. Last one was number four. Can you vocalize how you get turned on and then that last bit last time was the loving kindness meditation and using a tool like that to be able to engage in learning how to turn love to towards yourself and then also turning it outward toward other people now. Let's go to part two. So this would be number one. Part two of questions to ask yourself do you feel empowered to identify what you need to experience sexual pleasure. Now this is very similar to what I was saying about how do you tell someone else that you get how to get turned on. How do you feel the power within yourself to say white. Sexually. Do you have the ability to be able to say I like this but not that this is negotiable. This is non-negotiable. Do you have the power to be able to say that.

Erika: Number two.

Erika: And this is kind of like a you cannot. Other than question. So you there is an old adage of to get over someone you need to get under someone else. Typically this doesn't work out the reason that is is that it doesn't mean that having sex with another partner doesn't boost your confidence. What I mean by that not working is that your value cannot be determined by someone else and your value cannot be communicated to yourself by engaging with someone physically. Your personal value your worth. You have to learn and know yourself first.

Erika: One of my favorite ways to think about this is you cannot hold out like an emotional cup like in your hand and hold it out for someone else to fill and say fill my emotional cup that cup you have to learn to fill yourself so that is to me why that old adage of getting over someone by getting under someone else doesn't necessarily work.

Erika: Confidence building and having another sexual partner yes. But determining your own worth and value by someone else not so much. Number three do you have a sex toy. You need one if you don't have one.

Erika: This is really important. This is important for you to be able to figure out how to use some of the other questions that I have asked you how do you get pleasure how do you verbalize it to someone else. If you do not know how to get pleasure yourself.

Erika: This is where a sex toy comes in a sex toy can be a wonderful way to figure that out and understand your body and understand what you need to reach reach orgasm so that you can tell someone else that is why it's important. If you need tips on where to look or if you don't even have any idea what to look for free to shoot me a message or an e-mail. I'd be happy to help number or new bracket Maceda again Lou Brechin you need lubricant.

Erika: Most people create some sort of physical lubricant themselves. Not everybody but as we get older. That ability reduces and if especially for female bodies it takes. It may or may not be enough lubrication for the length of time that you're having a sexual encounter. This also goes for using a sex toy. Your sexual encounters with yourself or others will be better with lubricate so finding a lubricant that works for you is really really helpful.

Erika: Also being aware of what lubricant to use with your sex toys is really important as well that I know of off topic from we're talking about but I'm saying that because if you're new to all of this it's really important to understand that. So I will come back to that in a later episode but if you have questions like I said feel free to contact lubricant is important. You need lubricant to have better sexual experience.

Erika: Number Four is sex can get better as you get older part of the reason this is is because you started to let go of some of societal expectation that is on you.

Erika: Not everyone. Not always of course.

Erika: But as you get older you start to learn to figure out your own body and if you have and you at least start asking the question of why are you value. And you start to worry less about how the outside world defines that for you. Many of my clients many of my friends myself included have become more comfortable with their sexual selves after their 20 because at least the way they've expressed it is that they felt like they were more preoccupied of what cultural expectations were of not only what their body looked like but how they should be sexually who they should be and bad how many partners they should have or say they've come from a religious perspective that they no longer identify with and they felt that that religious perspective was really limiting on who they were and how they acted. And they. Often have to process through some of that not just clients but I mean my friends and other people as well. This is not just limited to one person. My aim with all of this is for you to understand that you're not alone.

Erika: So how do you find your own personal value. How do you communicate with that with the world about that value. And how do you communicate with new partners about what turns you on.

Erika: This is so important because you will have greater experiences if you can communicate to the person you want to have sex with what you like. We don't come with a handbook. And often times people don't get enough sex education as it is. So if everybody's physical pleasure is a little different you being able to say this is how I like sex or this is how I like oral sex or this is I want you to touch me here I want you to kiss me. Here is so important. Because that person may have no idea. And they'll be kind of guessing and checking. And whereas if you can communicate what you need you spend a lot more time experiencing pleasure rather than experiencing that awkwardness of just trying to figure each other out. So I've kind of harped on you about your your own self your own self-worth and finding value in yourself and I hope you understand why this is important when it comes to having sex after a long term relationship. Because again we get caught up in how that relationship may or may not have defined our identity that does give you an example a married person or a married woman who sees herself as only married to this one person and then having children. And so she only sees herself as a wife and a mother and her personal identity get the last from that not just sexually but the things she likes the things that she enjoys for fun.

Erika: The thing that fill up the things that fill up her emotional cup can get lost in the shuffle of not only just life and time and work but just helping the people in our lives.

Erika: I really want you to think about how you communicate with the world who you are.

Erika: Because we only have so much life on this planet.

Erika: Death is guaranteed for all of us right. It's hard to get so dark and bleak but here is a deal like we only have so much time and it's not worth having relationships that are not fulfilling it's not worth having shitty sex. It's if you can feel fulfilled physically and emotionally and be able to feel wholehearted. I'm going to steal that from Bernay Brown if you can fulfill those needs and walk through your life knowing that you are communicating your most authentic self out into the world. I I just hope that some of these things I've said and some of the questions I've asked will get you to think about that. Think about how you exist in this world and how you tell others you. You experience pleasure. I know that what limits us often in thinking about these questions or thinking about our own identity is shame. Usually it comes from messages we got from when we were young about sex and how many relationships are supposed to have or how many sexual partners are supposed to have or any of those things. When you can start clearing away some of that some of that debris from your life and you can really start to get in touch with who you are as a person. What your sexual identity how you are a sexual person and what that means when you want to have a sexual partner. What you hope to get out of those relationships then and what you'd like to give in those relationships.

Erika: So I hope you found this value if you do have any questions you can hit me up through email Erica.

Erika: Eye K.A. at Erica Mylie dot com. You can also check out my website. ERIC Mylie dot com. I'd be happy to connect with you and again if you are wanting. If you're interested in therapy with me you can hit me up in those areas and you must be a Washington state resident as well. So a couple little shout outs I want to shout out. I was looking at numbers the other day. Numbers of Dalen which by the way were we are so close to hitting it out over a thousand downloads which is awesome. I thank you for all that. Just incredible to me on that. We have this is episode. I think you're listening to this would be Episode 11 or 12. Yeah 11 or 12 and we're almost 1000 islands. It's just crazy to me. I just appreciate it so much. But I also was looking at the map of places where everybody is in the world which also this is global. This show is global. So you are all aware it is amazing and thank you to all of you.

Erika: And so I want to give a shout out to all the countries that are listening. We've got some Canadians I am just loving that folks from the Netherlands the United Kingdom. We've got some people from Spain China Japan Australia. I just love that you're listening and if you would like to connect feel free to jump on my website. I would love to hear from you. I would love to or just jump on and do a review and if you do a review and

Erika: Rate 5 stars please. If you're not going to rate five stars just don't. But if you do a review let me know. I would love to shout you out and let's get this the word spread. I just love that kind of creating this global community together. So again ErikaMiley.com and email at erika@erikamiley.com. I'd love to hear from you I'm also on social media on Facebook. You can find my practice but you can also find me on Instagram at frr. Erica Miley but also the sex. The podcast nerd's is a Instagram page that I've created. So if you would like to connect. I know I love to hear from you.

Erika: Thank you all so much.